An Ode to Optimism: my first blog post

So here we are, circa the middle of August, during one of the longest vacations I will ever have in my life – if not the longest – when suddenly THE question I have been trying to avoid all summer kicks in:

Now what?

I’m graduated, as a classical pianist, which basically means I have a piece of paper that claims me to be a master of music. And writing this sentence down alone made me laugh, because the thing with music is that you’re never, ever a master of it. Perhaps you’re exceptionally good and/or genius at your type of music-making. But a master of music? Come on, there is no such thing, guys.
So, classical pianist with a piece of paper it is.
An important piece of paper though, regardless of its absurdity, because it gives me the opportunity to earn a fair living.
Primarily as a music teacher. A job for which I will need an extra diploma or otherwise I will be bypassed by all those pianists who have obtained their additional degree as a tutor. So, if I’m practical, that’s the logical next step.
Yet, it is not the reason why I started playing music in the first place, even though passing on the passion for music is a job one can and should be profoundly proud of. But I’ve just realised it’s not the thing that will make me happy.

So let’s explore the other thoughts about what might or might not contribute to my happiness.
All my life I have known exactly what I wanted to do: perform. And that’s just the thing I did, through entering competitions, playing exams, playing concerts I received thanks to those competitions, organising try-outs and studying for entrance exams. But now, standing at the verge of what is to be my actual adult life (even though I’m 22 and technically speaking, I’ve been living it for 4 years now), I suddenly realise that if I will continue on this path of becoming a performing classical pianist, it’s also not the thing that will make me happy.
Not solely because of the huge competitive atmosphere,  but mainly because I’ve lost my heart to jazz and particularly singing jazz as well.
Then what’s the problem, you ask? I can just mix the two together, right?
Well…maybe. It is definitely something I’ve been thinking about and that’s why I’ve taken two steps in that direction: number one is that I’m trying to get into any school in the United States, to learn more about the country where jazz was first played and see how their educational system concerning music works. Is it more aimed towards cross-over projects or is it equally separated as it is here? I’m sincerely hoping for the first option. The second step is that I’m working on a project with a dear friend of mine to attempt to do just that: a cross-over project. But self-doubt is one of the biggest enemies to any person and it is not always easy to shut the critical voice within up.

So, fear.
That’s what this is all about.
Fear of not being good enough to get out there and conquer the world with my way of playing and/or singing. Fear that I will take the easy path and do the logical next step instead of following my heart, wherever it may lead me.
And I would like to say to you that I’ve decided to say “screw this!” and went for the latter, but I’m a bit too rational for that. I’d like to eat and have a roof above my head without having to ask for money, especially with that particular piece of paper, which cost a great deal of money to my parents.

But I do refuse to be pessimistic. I have a whole life ahead of me and I want to live it with as little regrets of what I didn’t try as possible.
Therefore: an ode to optimism.
Here’s to every one of you who has the same sort of doubts, reflects on them and then tries to go for the scary path anyway. Here’s to every one of you who takes a chance, maybe even fails, and then gets back up again, armed with more knowledge as a result. Here’s to any person who decides to believe in him- or herself with every possible cell in his or her body.
Because what the heck. We’re worth it.
So I’m taking the first step in this direction, by starting this blog. I don’t have a core idea for it yet, but I guess we’ll see where this goes and maybe it will help me to be that tiny bit more bold every day.

What about you? Are you having doubts about your future?
If not, I’d love to hear your secret 🙂
And if so, I hope you’re feeling a bit less alone in your uncertainty.

To optimism!

xx

Nathalie

(comic by Sarah Andersen: http://sarahcandersen.com/)