Per aspera, ad astra

Why love is the answer to everything

If you’ve had the time to scroll through my website, you might have noticed I want to study at Jacobs School of Music as of August this year.
It’s been quite an adventure so far, with loads of studying, preparing, writing, playing, gritting my teeth, refusing to accept a decision in my disadvantage, but also getting to know myself more than ever before, travelling, managing adult responsibilities, pushing myself to become a better musician and human being.
However, I’ve never written a post when things went sour. Today, I would like to change that.

Yesterday evening I opened a letter, sent by the BAEF committee (one of the scholarships I applied to for the second time) stating their decision of not granting me the scholarship.
Not.
Despite my acceptance at three music institutions, despite the letter of recommendation that was sent by my future teacher, despite my show of determination through the Fundraising Event next week.
Not.
Now, I could live with that if I was given a solid reason for the decision. But I wasn’t. And that has been driving me insane for the past 24 hours. I am beyond frustration and sadness…I am properly pissed-off.
Not because I don’t wish someone else the opportunity of studying in the USA, but because I’ve been slaving day-in-day-out for the past 2 years and I seemingly don’t deserve a reason for the outcome. Also, and perhaps even more so, it succeeded in letting me feel shitty about myself, again.
Well, I refuse!
I refuse to believe that I’m not worthy of that scholarship. I refuse to believe that I won’t be studying in the USA in August. I refuse to have the door slammed in my face without a genuine reason. So, during all the rage and disappointment and frustration, I asked myself the only question there is to ask: why? Why don’t I just accept that this doesn’t seem to work, no matter what I try?

The conclusion is both cheesy and plainly simple. Because of love. Love for my passion, music. In one of my scholarship essays I wrote this sentence: “I do not exist without music”. And it’s true! I love classical music and jazz, I love performing, I love playing, I love studying music, I love writing lyrics. I will go through shit to become the best musician I can ever be. And for the past few years, I believe becoming that musician means studying in the USA, to research the origins of jazz, to find the connections to classical composers and to be able to combine the two genres in one program. Thoughtfully, with respect for the music and its shared history.
You know, even though I’m exhausted, even though I sometimes feel utterly worthless and untalented, even though the Fundraising Event has cost me an equal amount of effort as auditioning in the States…I am looking forward to the moment when I can enter the stage to perform for the audience. It’s what I live for.
Love. It’s the sole reason for anything that I do. And if you ever find yourself in a similar frustrating position, I hope you find that the reason why you’re fighting to cope with it is the same. Love truly is the answer to everything. It is the reason why I’m so angry at BAEF, because their decision affects something I deeply care for in a negative way. It is the reason why I want to keep fighting for my studies at JSOM. It is the reason why I refuse to believe that I’m not good enough. It is the reason why I haven’t lost my mind over the past two years.

The title of this post “Per aspera, ad astra”, is a popular Latin phrase and a slightly dramatic quote from Pierce Brown’s Red Riding saga. Literally translated, it means “through the thorns, towards the stars”. God knows I’m going through thorns at the moment. But I’m still reaching for the stars, unwilling to be steered out of course by anything else but my own decisions. And I’m proud of that.
So, if you have stuck with this post so far, I salute you. If you are going through a similar amount of struggle, I support you. And if you are fighting through it, I respect you. Don’t let anyone tell you or make you believe that you are incapable of pursuing your passion. Love is the answer to everything. Per aspera, ad astra.

Picture by The Awkward Yeti: http://theawkwardyeti.com/comic/up-2/